Is he out there?

Have you ever wondered how you know when you are in love with someone? How do you know this is the person that you can and want to spend the rest of your life with? Love is not something to be taken lightly. So often people toss that word around without thinking about the impact it can have on another person. Love requires time, patience and understanding amongst other things. I wish I had a crystal ball and I could just look into the future and know what is going to happen. Instead of playing out scenarios in my mind and wishing they come true.

Back to this love thing. What makes you love someone? Is it because of their sparkling personality. Or that because just seeing them makes you smile. Or when they touch you its the best feeling in the world. Along with those good things you have to realize that person is not perfect. They are going to make mistakes. You have to either accept them for who they are or leave it alone. There is no in between. You can't try to use those faults against them. If you really love someone you will be honest with them even when you don't want to be. You will always have their back and at times you will put their happiness above your own.

I have been in love one time in my life. I spent a good 5 years of my life loving that person and thinking they were the one. As much as I loved him, I was scared. Scared because I was very young and still growing into the woman that I am now. Some of those things that I said above I would do. I would bring up old things that should have been in the past and I would make him pay for the wrongdoings that other boys had done. Unfortunately it wasn't meant to be for us but our relationship didn't end on bad terms. He still has a place in my heart and I will always love him. When it was clear that we needed to call it quits a part of me wanted to hold on. In fear that I wouldn't find that same love again. That I wouldn't have that person who knew me inside and out. Who could hold me and touch me in just the right way. This person who knew the right things to say and could make everything seem better. So does it mean that I was wrong when I thought I loved him or does it just mean he wasn't the one?

I have only told one other person after my ex that I loved them. No... I was not in love with that person but my love was real just the same. He made me want to be a better person. He opened my eyes to so many things and for that I will always be grateful. Being with him was out of this world. I could just be in his arms for hours and be fine with that. I could talk to him about any and everything. He had me open and if given the chance I probably would have given him my heart. Don't get me wrong though it wasn't all candy and gumdrops. No matter how much I wanted to be with him and wanted him to be my man bigger forces were against it. Sure anything you really want isn't going to be easy. If you have those trials and tribulations and you can make it that's all that matters. What happens though if you are the only person who wants it though? How silly and alone will you feel? Is that person going to be there to listen when you need someone to make it better and to wipe your tears away? You can think about the good times but it will only get you so far. Sitting here I look back and I feel foolish. Foolish because I wonder if I cared a lot more than I should have. Was it a big joke on me? Who knows.

As I am typing on my laptop on this fine Sunday afternoon I wonder. Is he out there? The person that I am going to love and be in love with? That will accept me for who I am and complement me. The person who will make me feel like everything is going to be ok. He will do whatever it takes to be with me because that is how much he cares and it would just be about us. I can only sit back and wonder.